Yup, you guessed it. The expression my GYN used to describe the HSG I had this morning.
My poor womb…On the upside, there appears to be no blockages, I have a normal shape and location for a uterus. So forward I march on my relentless pursuit.
While I’m getting my relatively good news, my grandpa was given his life sentence. Making this day truly a challenge. My body is crampy and my heart is aching.
To be a whiney brat about how the students are slowly finding out about the expecting coworker and coming running to you to ask if you knew and when you’ll be starting a family…so you start looking for memes around the idea of “it starts” with Rafiki from The Lion King but the internet won’t let you get yourself down…
Well…S.O.B. Gimme a drink….
That will constantly have me wondering if I am ever going to be enough.
So, turns out – no triplets. Classic.
At least this time I didn’t seem totalled by the entire experience. Just my standard, “Once again I’m not pregnant” moping around. None of this “I really thought this time was it” bullshit that breaks my heart.
Upsides include getting an OBGYN. Now I have that interim person to do any of the procedure things PCRM needs, i.e. the HSG I will be going for this month hopefully, and watch over me once I become pregnant. This was the first meeting where I was face-to-face with someone discussing my infertility without bawling my eyes out. I’m here now, these are the steps, this is what we’ve done, these are our options, this is where you are in our journey, and this is what I want from you. At this point it’s been repeated so many times I was able to detach and deal with just the facts. Apparently the HSG will be extremely helpful. It will show the shape of my uterus, if there are any blockages and may even help clear the path if the blockages are minor. It is apparently a very viscous substance that will help the X-ray get a dyed scan and cause me extreme pain and discomfort that I will have to talk myself through and convince myself that it was all for the massive amount of information I will receive. Sounds fabulous.
I also, in what may seem like a surprise….insert eye roll…will have to go for more blood work!
I will be starting my third and likely final round of Clomid this month. It would appear the stars are aligning in that if this month doesn’t work, hopefully my clinic will have enough information that we can move forward with a more effective plan. I am still only taking 50 mg and will be taking them on days 3-7. My OBGYN says theres not much behind the days but whichever I prefer is fine.
On the upside, I get to use my stupid ClearBlue OPK computer thingy this month. I was honestly hoping to return the damn thing, but that is not the case.
My only reprieve is the half-marathon I’ve sign up for which is causing me great concern and will require me to begin running immediately. This month will be filled with wonderfully long runs and blissful yoga. Meditation, smoothies and reading books.
My mental health is weary and I need a break.
The words I’ve been asked 40 times this week as a coworker announced her pregnancy.
The sweet, kind gesture my dear friends passed along my way. They wanted to make sure that my heart was okay because they know my journey. They know my longing, my struggle and my plans.
Knowing their heart was in the right place I smiled and said of course. I’m sure they didn’t believe me but didn’t want to press the issue.
The truth is, I don’t wish this journey on my worst enemy. I don’t wish anyone the daily pain of the lives you’ve held and lost. The emptiness of waiting for something that you may never get. The disappointment that comes with each month. It’s a self-induced horror show.
The other truth is, I’ve become an expert at separating my love for my friends and their successes and my own journey. I can feel the overwhelming joy for the experiences my friends are having, wishing them the greatest lives they can live. I can hold their babies or see their bellies focused solely on how excited I am for them. I went through a really hard time after my first miscarriage when I found out other friends were pregnant. I was so wrapped up in my own bullshit I couldn’t handle it. Afterward, I felt horrible about the choices I made and came to terms with the fact that feeling this way would ruin my life if I continued to act this way. My friends and family will continue to have wonderful moments and I need to be able to participate fully without envy or jealousy or resentment. So I’ve worked hard and I’ve come a long way and I am proud of where I am with it all.
But those three little words were tough. Every time I focused on the truth but it was just a reminder that I still wasn’t there. But its OK, I keep pretending I have triplets in there. Two boys and a girl. Why not dream big!
Remember that dangerous word?! Well, here we are again! We’ve done all we can do, certainly felt the effects of the Clomid, and now we wait.
As hopefulness gently rises, I reluctantly let it in. While I’m so afraid of another month passing me by, it would unfair to let it define my entire journey.
I grieved my loss, discovered a coworker is expecting, managed a very full week of work and gave everything I could to TTC this month.
I have made yoga and running plans for next week, will start drinking my smoothies and hopefully feel better after that psycho hormonal bloating.
I am sending every positive vibe I can into the universe, asking for love and kindness and life!
I have my second accidental alignment with Brenè Brown’s Guideposts on reminding me something will have to work and if not, I still must find joy.
Cheers to the TWW!
TTC on the first anniversary of your second miscarriage… That’s not complicated at all…
I’m lucky work will be so distracting tomorrow but it will certainly make for a bittersweet day.
Classic Friday night problems – what Netflix show will I waste my entire night then regret watching in obscene amounts. Lucky for me, Fuller House made its debut.
An episode or eight in (who knows…I’m still watching…) Stephanie is loving being an aunt and DJ makes a “when you’re a mom…” comment. She then starts to bawl (immediately, I also start to bawl) and explains that she cannot have children. My heart sank as I imagined the onslaught on comments and questions she would face for an eternity.
“When you have kids…”
“It’s it time you had some kids…”
“You two really need to get on that…”
All these seemingly innocent gesturing questions are the icing on the shit cake that is the life of infertility. Those moments when people want to encourage you and support you but say these things that make you want to punch them in the face. Gracefully, you keep it together and make some remark about “We’re on it!” while your DH waits until that moment when you’re finally alone and lose your mind.
It’s hard. It’s really hard. And to be honest, I’ve given up the sugar coating. “Why are you vegan?” “Because I’ve been struggling with infertility for over two years and I’m worried about the effect animal hormones are having on my body.” …EERY SILENCE…
I’m living my truth. Most people get extremely uncomfortable when I talk about it. There’s also this guilt people have about not wanting what I want or about having what I want – but that’s on them. I’m never anything but adoring and supportive for my friends and family that are having children. It is a wonderful and beautiful experience that I pray for daily. I also don’t expect everyone to want to have kids. That would be ridiculous. But I am ok with everyone knowing that I want them really badly and for whatever reason, it’s not going well. I’m fine because when I get to have my babies, I’m going to be the most in love I have ever been and may lose friends about the obscene amount of Instagram and Facebook photos I will be posting. I will not hesitate to do what I feel is right for my family and will never worry about what someone thinks about the choices that I’m making as a parent because I will have earned my right of passage. I also want my babies to know how hard I worked for them, that I would never give up and that when they are here I will continue this life-long journey with them.
Here’s to clomid round 2 hormones, 20 vials of blood work, and a fertility clinic portal login. Cheers!
I spend a lot of time reading to help me find roots when I feel feeble. I read about empowering moments and humbling experiences, about overcoming adversity and about sitting in it.
I had an “ah-ha” moment two days ago when I was reading about Brenè Brown’s Guidepost “Cultivating a Resilient Spirit”. Ok, by “ah-ha” I mean I would have punched someone in the face if they were in arms reach. Lucky I was in the bath and Paul was a safe distance.
She listed three emerging patterns essential to resilience as:
Well, a cord was struck. Here I am, in my relaxing bath and a nerve has been hit. Immediate shame reaction.
She then goes on to explain that hope happens when:
That’s it. I was on a full blown rage spiral.
My life if built on resiliency. My life is beautiful, filled with more blessings than I could count, with more opportunity than most will ever experience and with more love than one could ever hope for. That being said, few of these blessing came without an extreme amount of growth and experience. I have faced challenges that most can likely avoid. Through those challenges I have learnt how strong I am and how loved I am. I cannot honestly say “I wouldn’t change a thing” or “it wasn’t meant to be” or any of that other bullshit that makes you feel like everything that has happened was just lovely – but it happened, I’ve made it through and in most cases, for the better.
But let’s hone in for a moment on this infertility journey my sweet little family is on. We have been trying to conceive since October 2013. With the unexpected blessing of getting pregnant in our “first try” (how ironic…) I enjoyed that first 12 weeks of a seemingly normal pregnancy accompanied with exhaustion, nausea, etc. The day before our scheduled ultrasound my first spontaneous abortion (if you can even believe that’s what they call it) happened. Misery. Over this painful period, Paul and I developed a love deeper than I could have ever anticipated. We grew to respect each other, our lives and our marriage. We were two people facing a challenge that no one around us could relate too. We had each other and instead of abusing one another as we had in the past, we came to love each other as though it was the only way we could both make it through alive. We took a 5 month hiatus to improve our lives. When we began to hope to try again, my body decided it wanted to take its own 3 month break. No cycle means no babies. Pretty simple.
December 2014 – introduce a life changer, N my acupuncturist. Hallelujah her magic powers bring my cycle back to normal. Once again, a month later we are pregnant! February 2015, we are elated beyond comparison. Finally – this would be our moment! I thought I would be nervous or reserved but I couldn’t hold myself back. March 2015 my body had other plans.
At this point, we have been actively TTC for the past year. Every single month I go through the three patterns of resiliency. Regardless of logic, every month I am unexplainably filled with hope. I can honestly say every.single.month I believe this is it. Every month I fill my heart with hope, joy, love, positive energy and light. Throughout the month, I cautiously pay attention to the cues my body is giving me. Every tingle, twinge, emotion, or feeling is thoughtfully considered. I maintain a sincere optimism while ensuring I am realistic about my expectations. Is it likely I ovulated? Did we BD at the right times? Am I making this too fabricated? Does it feel right? Why am I so nauseous?
And then it happens. The reminder that this month is not the month. My genuine hope based on the idea that getting pregnant is realistic, I know the rules and am even on medication to try to help, and believe so deeply that we are meant to have a family is destroyed. This is the powerlessness Brenè Brown describes. The desperation for change that is beyond our control. Every month I wonder if I can keep going, how my husband can handle such a lunatic (because lest we forget, not only did I find out I’m not pregnant but now I have my hormones all PMS crazy which doesn’t soften the blow..) and when I will call in the towel. I make a joke about how “if I’m not pregnant by…”or blow it off saying “I guess we just get to keep having sex!” as though finally getting pregnant would mean that we would stop? (why would that stop people from having sex? I don’t get it…) This is a dangerous time where my feeling likes to be fed, both because I’m hormonal and emotional. Neither of which help each other and quite frankly sometimes I’m tired of battling.
But then something happens over the next 4 days and my hope is once again renewed.
I guess what made me so mad about reading about this cycle in such short words was knowing the amount of emotion that goes into each part. That with every 28 day cycle I have and may continue to experience this rollercoasterfor an unknown amount of time. Three bullet points basically explained my past year and it just made me furious. But that’s because this is my shame. My infertility is my imperfection. The shame I feel in being unable to carry a baby to term and now to even get pregnant is suffocating.
Through reading these books I have found a power in accepting my shame. This is my story and I don’t get to pretend like there is an alternative. I am struggling with infertility. It’s a journey many women face, although it seems as though none of these women are in my immediate circle – but for that they are blessed. I am still completely full of shame but I am not ashamed to admit I am struggling. In fact, some people are surprised by my frankness.
Regardless of my rage, I will keep reading this fabulous book on wholehearted living as it is has been my goal for as long as I can imagine.
I did it! My first little race!!!
I’m so proud of my time and the fact that I actually did it. I feel like there was a lot of stress and focus on things that were not going well that it was especially exciting to have a little victory. I also ordered my essential oils today so I’m excited to experiment with those when they come!
fraserfundamentals 